I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas!

It's Christmas Eve, and at this spacious moment, the city is hitting by rainstorm.

Hence, I'm stuck at home staring at sky and my little computer.

Christmas has always been my top favourite.

I remember when I was a child. I believed in Santa Clause. Every Christmas Eve, I would secretly hang my sock at the corner of my bed and wished for Santa Clause would come and make my dreams come true.

Although I always got disappointed the next day I woke up, I kept this little habit until I went on high shcool.

It's funny how different christmas is between a tropical country and a winter country. Back in Toronto, streets are especially still during this holiday season (except in Chinatown. It never quiets down, even just for one day.).

Christmas tree in Eaton Center Toronto

People living in the city are rushing to go back to their hometown with excitements. After all, this is the only free time they have to see their beloved ones. My sweetheart Brandan, he is in his hometown Newfoundland, having a great christmas with his family now.

Brandan and I

Here, they commercialize the christmas.

However, think about it for a second, if they don't, you won't feel like christmas is just around the corner.

Listening to my favourite christmas songs, I walked to the balcony of my little apartment. I stared at the very far far corner of the globe. I seemed to see myself back in celebrating my white christmas with my friends again.

My girls and I, at a christmas party 2 years ago

I'm going to have dinner alone tonight.

How will you celebrate this christmas?

Snowfall in My Heart

I read a news about Ontario got hit by snowstorm on the internet that day.

Then I saw some quotes on my msn messanger;

"The biggest snowfall ever. Everything covered by snow."
"Snow"
"Snooooowwww"

A winter wonderland is seen in Chatham, Ont. after a massive snowstorm.
*Picture taken from CTV.ca

Residents in downtown Toronto opt for a more appropriate method of travel along Yonge Street.
*Picture taken from CTV.ca

My heart was instantly pinched by the word "snow"

Did you know how much I miss snow?

I told this to my boyfriend but he said I was nuts.

On the same day, I was listening to my ipod when I was on my way home by train. As the song "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright started to play, it really got me into deep depressed.





I looked out the window. It was sunny. Trees were green; flowers were blossoming.

To prevent others from seeing my tears welled up, I closed my eyes.

I imagined myself going back to a scene I had always lived in;

"I was wearing my favourite winter jacket. It was snowing and I was walking on the snow on Queen Street with a startbucks coffee in my hand."

So Vulnerable

I'm sure everyone has experienced this kind of situation -- you walked into a shop and immediately felt uncomfortable. You felt out of place and you just wanted to get out of the shop as soon as possible.

Well, that's how I feel at the moment.

Whether I'm walking the street or on the bus/train, the uncomfortable feeling hits me all the time. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel like I can't get along with the people here. As shocked as I was to my own reaction, I really do feel like puching their faces.

I started wondering whether have I made the right decision at the beginning.

I started wanting to escape.

I want to go back to my back-then comfort zone.

I wonder how many people out there are like me -- wishing to take a leap in their lifes but are afraid of taking risks and dealing with uncomfortable feelings due to the change, so ending up back to their old selves?

Little Lulu," Oh no, jumping off the mountain is too dangerous and out of my comfort zone!"

As good as it seems?

I was walking a mall alone as usual that day ( my boyfriend calls me a mall rat. To defend myself, I usually do what the woman in the picture below does. I don't buy stuff everytime I shop).

My legs were soring due to the all-day walking. So I came to this little bench and sat down and relaxed.

I was watching the people around me. Sometimes, sitting at a corner and watching and reading people around you can be a joy.

Some looked rich. They wore nice make-up, dressed fancy and carried some high-end branches' shopping bags in their hands. I found myself thinking -- How could they efford these fancy stuff in this country? Why do they have so much money?

Then some were chilling with their foreign friends/partners. I also found myself thinking -- How did they know their "foreign friends/partners" (I'm moving my 2 peace signs beside my head) here? Do they work together? Or they actually met and live in oversea and they are here just for vacation?

The Landcome sales associates were working hard trying to sell the products at their mini counter in front of me. They all dressed elegantly and smiles seemed to never fail hanging on their faces. I wondered if they loved their lives right now.

It got me into deep thought. Above all, are their lives really as fancy as it looks from the outside? Or they are actually just like me, look fancy on the ouside but behind it, I am paddling hard like crazy.

Perhaps they all have their own stories to tell.

As I saw a gorgeous woman who was talking on the phone, who had a Gucci purse on her soulder and a Louis Vuitton shopping bag in her other hand passing by, I found myself secretly hoping that I was her.